Morning of Mourning

I woke up this morning and went to check my e-mail. One of my friends told me that another friend Anton Viktor Jungenberg had committed suicide. Here are my thoughts.


Why? Why couldn't I have done anything. Why did he do it? Why wasn't anyone with him yesterday? Who gave him the sleeping pills. Who was the last to see him?

I didn't know Anton as well as I would have liked to. I remember him in youth group in high school and I remember hanging out with him at the Coffee shop a few times. We would watch funny video's online or look at his latest artwork. I really loved him. I have maybe said some bad things about a lot of people but not once about Anton. He had an amazing heart. He seemed to try very hard to make others laugh and be happy. He always made me laugh. I never put him down or made fun of him or laughed AT him. But there's also one other thing I never did. Care. I might have acted like it. I might have asked him questions about his future and been sincerely interested but if I really cared about Anton I would have hung out with him more. I would have invited him to my house. I would have gone to visit him in San Diego after he went to college. But I didn't. I was to caught up in MY life.

The thing that hurts the most is that I really did like Anton. It wasn't like it would have been a burden to hang out with him its just deep inside of me there is a selfish being that doesn't do stuff if it doesn't benefit himself. Anton WAS loved. He might not have felt loved but he was. People might not of known they loved him but now they do. Regret is all around. I can feel it. From across the world I feel the Fallbrook air is quiet and still and dark.

When I heard the news this morning I went into my room and prayed... or tried. Mostly stared at the ceiling thinking. Thinking about stuff like what I could have done to stop this. I later found out that in the world someone commits suicide every 40 Seconds. Who else was sitting in their bed starring at the ceiling? I thought about how sad God must be. Every time one of his children give up.

I don't know if me being on the other side of the world makes this easier or harder to handle. I hate this feeling. This feeling that doesn't have a word. I hate when I get this way because I usually pretend like everything is OK. But everything isn't OK. And there comes a time when you can be selfish. And the selfish side of me says "NO I'm not OK! and I DON'T want to talk about it!"

Where are you Anton? I will never see your face again. Not on earth anyway. Pictures are lifeless... fleshless. And now so are you. I'd do anything to have yesterday back. To write you a note about how important you are. How much I enjoyed the laughs we had. How amazing your art was. But its to late.

Anton had posted a series of comments on Facebook before he passed. They were angry. They were REAL. Stuff like "F*** THIS S***! I LIVE FOR THE THINGS THAT LEAVE ME HOLLOW!" Anton was usually a soft spoken person. But not yesterday. He continued to post comments. That was his first one at 2:47 AM. And his last was at 2:59 AM it said "Anton Viktor Jungenbert is finally going to be free. Lets find out if there really is a hell!" Anton was a Christian and I truly believe he had a relationship with God. I pray that he is looking down on us now. If so he MUST KNOW now that he was loved.

I LOVE AND MISS YOU ANTON. AND I'M SORRY.